WHOA!

Whoa, man. Have you ever really looked at your hands? They’re like maps of the universe. I bet God did that.

-jack gustafson


I have always loved to read about conspiracy theories, but I have always had an unchangeable prejudice towards those who actually believe in them. To me, people who hold on tighly to conspiracy theories are no better than the religious fanatics, in that both groups of people try to forge their identities out of sheer ridiculousness. With that said, here are my “Top 5 Favorite Political Conspiracies(!)”

1: Who shot JFK?
I don’t really care. If I am forced to answer the question “Who do you think shot JFK?”, I will tell them that Lee Harvey Oswald shot President Kennedy. Whether this is true or not, I do not care, I just like to get a rise out of assholes. Maybe there was someone on the grassy knoll, maybe Oliver Stone was getting on to something, maybe there was something “back and to the left”, but in all actuality it doesn’t matter. I will remain a sheep of the masses, blindly following the whims of the “ignorant”.


2: 9/11 was an inside job.

I wish all those Ron Paul followers would just shut the fuck up. I don’t care how complex their “theories” are of how the Twin Towers fell as a result of detonated explosives set up by the government may sound, they are full of shit. Islamic terrorists flew planes into the buildings, and they fell. Do us all a favor and smoke some more pot, and talk about how the government is out to get us, but just do it in your parent’s basement and not outside. You’re an eyesore.
3: Victims of Hurricane Katrina were intentionally ignored by the U.S. Government.
George Bush hates black people…well maybe he doesn’t, I don’t know, why don’t you ask him? The government didn’t let anybody down; bureaucracy was just doing its job. I’ve even heard some nutcases (see answer 2) say that the levees were detonated with explosives, and that’s why the city flooded so badly, but come on, that’s just stupid.
4: The Government has been infiltrated by communists(!)

Now for the way-back machine. Good-ole-boy Joe McCartney silenced his opposition by accusing people of being “card-carrying” communists. His actions were responsible for the destruction of many people’s careers, regardless of evidence. That sure was funny.

5: There are WMD’s in Iraq.

This may not technically be a conspiracy theory, but see what happens when you listen to the nutjobs that think like that. It’s our own fault.

Conspire this!

The top five political conspiracies of the “modern era” in my opinion are as follows:
NUMBER ONE: JFK | without dispute, I believe the number one political conspiracy is the legendary incredulity surrounding the assassination of President John Fitzgerald Kennedy. In my opinion, the aforementioned conspiracy has fostered debate that is more scholarly, research and sheer mystery than any other in our thus far abbreviated national history.

Conspiracy Backgrounder: Refusing to believe traditional theories and conjectures about the assassination of JFK provided by the Warren Commission, hundreds of thousands of American citizens have embraced the idea that the former president was assassinated by the Secret Service because of his “radically progressive ideas.” The aforementioned conspiracy dictates that items such as Kennedy being permitted to ride in an open-air vehicle, the communications breakdown that ensued the tragedy, photographs that appear to have been professionally doctored and a skull that perhaps does not physiologically match that of the victim, are all indicators of a significant government concealment.

Number Two: MOON | While perhaps not political, the second greatest conspiracy is inevitably, whether the United States actually landed a rather combustible structure on the surface of the moon. Like the former conspiracy, this particular one involves the alleged doctoring of photos. Come on, can a flag wave on the surface of a celestial body devoid of atmosphere? Theorists cast aspersion on the legitimacy of lunar photographs that appear to have misplaced and inaccurate “cross marks” where the highly advanced cameras utilized in the endeavor would have captured the images. Of further note, is the similarity with which the Nevada desert resembles the lunar surface. While the significance or fervency around this theory have steadily diminished with the passage of time, it may be impossible to ever know whether this “out of the world” theory merits further skepticism or whether we should resign to the inevitable pride that resulted from the mission and avoid additional investigation on the matter.

Number Three: September 11, 2001 | definitely one of the more recent conspiracies to emerge, and maybe among the more sensitive to discuss, the attacks on 9/11 have been widely attributed to perpetrators other than Al-Qaeda terrorists. Theorists have stated that reviewing footage of a planned building implosion say, in Las Vegas, is identical to the explosion that flattened both 110-story buildings of the World Trade Center complex. Citing architect Minoru Yamasaki, the primary architect of the structures, theorists underscore that the complex was designed to withstand a direct contact with planes of comparable proportion. Mere jet fuel, these individuals state, could not have toppled the structures. The same experts cite the previous warning the government had received regarding the attacks-and their aligned lack of action thereon. The conspiracy-mongering citizens also point to the political capital and blanket political authority that was the resultant product of the attack as underpinnings for a governmental conspiracy.

Number Four: Lack of Marijuana Legality | Politicians often discredit the conspiracy rooted in this matter, because after all, how much legitimacy are bong-toking citizens afforded in America? Nonetheless, I find it a salient conspiracy theory rooted in unsound and minimally studied policies. Many who smoke marijuana or who are for its legalization, citing the lack of “underground” demand that they concomitantly believe will reduce gang presence and cartel-related homicides, believe that the government largely rendered their decision to outlaw marijuana based on the few voices of conservative, Christian influences. Further, these conspiracy theorists believe that government could legally tax the product much like cigarettes and that the benefits from doing so would be holistic. Sound research, not moral imperative is the modus operandi of the group valiantly fighting for this cause.

Number Five: Hurricane Katrina | this particular matter, while widely observed by a large audience, still has significant contributors. The theory alleges that the United States government intentionally and consciously avoided the amelioration of Hurricane-stricken areas because of the disproportionately African-American demographic of the affected communities. Theorists allege that attempt after rescue attempt, the lack of celerity with which aid arrived and solutions were delivered, among other items were evidential of Kanye West’s infamous line “George W. Bush does not care about black people.”

Corey Scott-Vincent-William Dutra