WHOA!

Whoa, man. Have you ever really looked at your hands? They’re like maps of the universe. I bet God did that.

-jack gustafson


I have always loved to read about conspiracy theories, but I have always had an unchangeable prejudice towards those who actually believe in them. To me, people who hold on tighly to conspiracy theories are no better than the religious fanatics, in that both groups of people try to forge their identities out of sheer ridiculousness. With that said, here are my “Top 5 Favorite Political Conspiracies(!)”

1: Who shot JFK?
I don’t really care. If I am forced to answer the question “Who do you think shot JFK?”, I will tell them that Lee Harvey Oswald shot President Kennedy. Whether this is true or not, I do not care, I just like to get a rise out of assholes. Maybe there was someone on the grassy knoll, maybe Oliver Stone was getting on to something, maybe there was something “back and to the left”, but in all actuality it doesn’t matter. I will remain a sheep of the masses, blindly following the whims of the “ignorant”.


2: 9/11 was an inside job.

I wish all those Ron Paul followers would just shut the fuck up. I don’t care how complex their “theories” are of how the Twin Towers fell as a result of detonated explosives set up by the government may sound, they are full of shit. Islamic terrorists flew planes into the buildings, and they fell. Do us all a favor and smoke some more pot, and talk about how the government is out to get us, but just do it in your parent’s basement and not outside. You’re an eyesore.
3: Victims of Hurricane Katrina were intentionally ignored by the U.S. Government.
George Bush hates black people…well maybe he doesn’t, I don’t know, why don’t you ask him? The government didn’t let anybody down; bureaucracy was just doing its job. I’ve even heard some nutcases (see answer 2) say that the levees were detonated with explosives, and that’s why the city flooded so badly, but come on, that’s just stupid.
4: The Government has been infiltrated by communists(!)

Now for the way-back machine. Good-ole-boy Joe McCartney silenced his opposition by accusing people of being “card-carrying” communists. His actions were responsible for the destruction of many people’s careers, regardless of evidence. That sure was funny.

5: There are WMD’s in Iraq.

This may not technically be a conspiracy theory, but see what happens when you listen to the nutjobs that think like that. It’s our own fault.